Good Things

Many good things are happening right now. I've gone on two "dates" without losing my lunch, and I even liked one of the men at the time. I'm busy at work and apparently doing a job that satisfies those in charge. I'm a bit creatively stunted, but once I get back to writing some more, I think I'll find my stride there, too.

I was rereading a divorce recovery page I found shortly after my ex-husband moved out, and I found a few related links I'd not noticed before. In one of them, the author described her almost 30-year marriage and the steady decline of her then-husband's behavior and treatment of her, culminating in him moving out to spend more time with his girlfriend. She was devastated. She was middle-aged and sure she'd never find happiness or family again (her children had already moved out). A few paragraphs later, outlining her life through the grief, she added that she was actually glad that he left, because her life is so much better now.

She is actually glad he ended it! More than that, she says that the divorce was part of God's plan for her, to give her a way to grow stronger and wiser in preparation for this wonderful life she's now enjoying, complete with a second husband who really does love and value her.

I did feel loved and valued in my marriage, but I wasn't. My feelings didn't matter to my ex-husband; though he professed that they did, he behaved differently, and I was fluent in the writing on the wall. I believed in my head that I mattered, but I knew in my heart that I didn't. When I look back on the marriage now, and even more, when I examine how I expect men to treat me in the present, I am astonished to recognize that I allowed my feelings not to matter in my marriage (but then again, I was already married and trying to make the best of it), and I forget that my feelings are supposed to matter now. That it was wrong before, when ex disregarded them. At the very least he should have listened to me and attempted to achieve some resolution in partnership with me that gave both of us a voice in our allegedly shared life. Instead, he taught me that having feelings is dangerous, because they are merely a way for me to lose bits of my soul as they die for lack of attention. I learned not to have feelings in relationships, not to have needs or expectations or even dreams, because they are alive, and without nurturing, they die, and me along with them. if I have them and the man in my life chooses not to respect him, well, then I have either to put up with that treatment or else jettison the man.

And that's the whole point, isn't it? To find someone who cares about me and my feelings. Jettisoning those who don't is necessary. Important. Logical. Expected. Acceptable.

But in moving forward, I am remembering the forgiveness. I am also going to keep in mind that God needed me to go through what I've undergone, to learn and grow and mature and find some humility, because if I'm open enough to accept it, he has something even better available to me in the future.

It's not only my job, but my destiny, to get beyond the stages of grief to open myself for the stages of joy.