In my personal life, I have achieved about month 13 of peace and tranquility. A few realities have come to light:
I recognize now that tangibly, I am separate from my marriage and divorce. I see myself as entire person in my own right, now. How can I tell? When I read articles about the aftermath of divorce now, my response is, "This doesn't apply to me." The wound is healed, though perhaps some scars remain. Maybe some always will... maybe not. Regardless, it's all okay.
I recognize now that a year ago, when I wanted a boyfriend and chose to explore online dating, I quite simply wasn't ready, not for the excitement or the anxiety, the risk and the judgement and the rejection... or the flip side of love and support and nurturing. I wasn't strong enough on my own to share me with anyone else. Am I now? Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless, it's all okay.
I recognize now that my individuality is not only acceptable but essential for my adult peace of mind. In recognize that in some ways, I extended my childlike role with my parents into my marriage; I kept my own counsel and never challenged him or stood up for my needs (though the courtship was the place for such testing; had I been stronger during the courtship, I could have spared myself the divorce). That error is my role in my divorce. I forgive myself for it, for being naive, for choosing unwisely, and for making a mistake that offends my moral values. All I can do is improve the next time. If there is one.
I recognize that people are inherently flawed, so expecting them to support me in ways both physical and emotional sets me up for failure. That is, the people do not fail me, it's my misplaced expectations of the people and misuse of our relationship, or needing them beyond their capabilities, that fails me. For this, faith is essential. I am wary of "religion," especially the cult-like attitudes and behaviors I've encountered, but I retain an old-fashioned faith. I am an important part of this burgeoning universe. I have purpose and merit. I am forgiven my transgressions. The love that created me is the only thing that can also sustain me with purpose, strength, and clarity. Perhaps the faithless see this process of faith as "looking within yourself" to find what I need. For that, perhaps it is; faith is not empiricle. At the same time, I know how easy it is to lie to myself. It's harder to lie when God is refereeing.
I realize that my essential unhappiness comes from failing to meet my own expectations for moving into the future. After the divorce, I wanted to "be better" as fast as possible, not endure an extra second of suffering. I figured, "fake it until I make it." But I didn't count on bitterness. I didn't count on a serious hit to my self-esteem. I didn't grasp what had happened to my ability to trust others. Actually, my faith in others, borne of a lifetime of nurturing stability and unselfish love from my family, was such a defining characteristic of my personality that losing it created an enormous psychological wound. A void. While I have begun to fill that void and grow into the person I am as I sit here, this person is not same person, and trusting others is hard now. I realize it, though. Maybe that's good. Regardless, it's all okay.
I am scared a lot still. That's okay too. Feeling scared is just a feeling. So I'll feel it. But I am a heroine. Courage doesn't mean I never feel scared. Courage means persevering in spite of it.
And I give myself bonus points for trying. Always trying! Trying to move forward, even when I go two steps back. Even when I know people want to scream. Even when I want to scream at myself. In the end, it's been an adventure. I've learned a lot, and I'm a better person for it. I like myself better now than I did four years ago, though I'm not happy most of the time. That's ironic. And, it's okay.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Heroism
I have decided to be a heroine.
Fortunately, that's all it takes, to decide. Somehow, that orchestrates all the debris in my head, gives me an orientation, and provides focus on minutiae in life.
I AM a heroine.
So I have stress at work. A hero is stronger than mere stress! A hero sees the difficult people as incidental to the purpose and importance of what he is doing, the mere cost of doing business, so to speak. A hero strives in spite of impediments to do the best job possible at all times. Therefore, no matter what stress I have at work, I can remain, entirely, a heroine.
So I feel lonely without my family. Well, heroes often deal with disadvantageous to downright desperate circumstances, but they realize that it's not something they can control right away. Rather than grieving their situation, they focus on the positives, not on what they don't have, and bide their time until circumstances can change. In other words, a situation doesn't define the hero. The hero manages himself with distinction in the situation.
A hero is not perfect, however. Odysseus found himself waylaid many times on his travels back to Ithaca. Modern heroes like JFK or the Princess of Wales were all too human in their private lives, yet they're largely respected, if not revered. What allows the hero to remain the hero in the face of his human fallibility? Well, the hero is human; he is not going to be perfect. But he is going to maintain his sense of hope. While Odysseus frolicked on his way home to his wife, he never forgot Penelope was waiting for him in Ithaca, and the idea inspired his hope when his energy or conviction flagged. JFK's immoral private life and controversial presidency in no way shaded the light of hope that illuminated his generation. Diana's struggles through the travails of life inspired the rest of us to sustain ourselves through our own hard times.
And the example of Jesus, who never gave up in the face of persecution, torture, and execution reminds us all that that no matter how bad our lives may be or get or seem, it all could be very, very much worse. Yet, we always can maintain our dignity.
Heroes.
In an article by Oliver Stone, he describes his growth in the perspective of heroism. He said when he was small, heroes were public figures like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, people who symbolized strength and character. But as an adult, he believes that heroes are the regular people who do the right thing in the face of challenge: kids who say no to drugs, parents who instill children with values and morals, people who take on a task and honor it and thereby honor themselves.
The Flight 93 heroes realized their plight, and they made sure the world heard their voices, and they saved hundreds of lives. They rose to an occasion that everyone understood merited fear. They are heroes.
Then, I am a hero. I am a heroine. When the road gets tough is when the heroism can emerge, right? So if the next few months are hard for me, well, that's the price a heroine has to pay. That's all.
Fortunately, that's all it takes, to decide. Somehow, that orchestrates all the debris in my head, gives me an orientation, and provides focus on minutiae in life.
I AM a heroine.
So I have stress at work. A hero is stronger than mere stress! A hero sees the difficult people as incidental to the purpose and importance of what he is doing, the mere cost of doing business, so to speak. A hero strives in spite of impediments to do the best job possible at all times. Therefore, no matter what stress I have at work, I can remain, entirely, a heroine.
So I feel lonely without my family. Well, heroes often deal with disadvantageous to downright desperate circumstances, but they realize that it's not something they can control right away. Rather than grieving their situation, they focus on the positives, not on what they don't have, and bide their time until circumstances can change. In other words, a situation doesn't define the hero. The hero manages himself with distinction in the situation.
A hero is not perfect, however. Odysseus found himself waylaid many times on his travels back to Ithaca. Modern heroes like JFK or the Princess of Wales were all too human in their private lives, yet they're largely respected, if not revered. What allows the hero to remain the hero in the face of his human fallibility? Well, the hero is human; he is not going to be perfect. But he is going to maintain his sense of hope. While Odysseus frolicked on his way home to his wife, he never forgot Penelope was waiting for him in Ithaca, and the idea inspired his hope when his energy or conviction flagged. JFK's immoral private life and controversial presidency in no way shaded the light of hope that illuminated his generation. Diana's struggles through the travails of life inspired the rest of us to sustain ourselves through our own hard times.
And the example of Jesus, who never gave up in the face of persecution, torture, and execution reminds us all that that no matter how bad our lives may be or get or seem, it all could be very, very much worse. Yet, we always can maintain our dignity.
Heroes.
In an article by Oliver Stone, he describes his growth in the perspective of heroism. He said when he was small, heroes were public figures like George Washington or Abraham Lincoln, people who symbolized strength and character. But as an adult, he believes that heroes are the regular people who do the right thing in the face of challenge: kids who say no to drugs, parents who instill children with values and morals, people who take on a task and honor it and thereby honor themselves.
The Flight 93 heroes realized their plight, and they made sure the world heard their voices, and they saved hundreds of lives. They rose to an occasion that everyone understood merited fear. They are heroes.
Then, I am a hero. I am a heroine. When the road gets tough is when the heroism can emerge, right? So if the next few months are hard for me, well, that's the price a heroine has to pay. That's all.
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