Is that all there is?

Too funny. I'm sitting here reading about Kate Walsh's divorce and thinking, "Even she believes nobody gets married to get divorced. But why do people get married?" Then I remember my ex telling me that our marriage wasn't what he expected or wanted, or something like that, and asking him, "What did you expect?" Did he expect some kind of fairy tale that would last forever? Do fairy tales last forever? Do people fall in love and get married, then have a horrifying realization when the "in love" feeling doesn't permeate their every waking moment, but bills, obligations, failures, children, and responsibilities do?

And here I thought marriage was supposed to be a refuge from bitter realities. What happens when the marriage itself is a bitter reality?

When I look at successful relationships that surround me, what I see is commitment. Period. These people want to stay together, so they do what it takes to stay together. Often, it's not fun. Often, it's work... and not the desk-work of most of my middle class friends. It's back-breaking, bone-chilling, frustrating, primal-screaming work, when it comes time to work. I can say, with some authority, that work is Not Fun. Ultimately, the people who don't stay together don't want to stay together, or at least one of them doesn't, and whoever says no wins.

I certainly don't see flower petals tossed into the wind anywhere. I don't hear singing angels. I don't have to swat at a Cupid flying around. Not even in the best relationships.

The best relationship around which I get to dwell periodically is my aunt and uncle's relationship, the couple who live in Dallas. They're pretty heartsy and flowery, but they're definitely not perfect. He wishes she were fitter. She wishes he were more of a go-getter. He wishes she were inherently tidier. She wishes he were less of a dog person. They adore each other -- in between tending their five children, working three jobs between the two of them, managing a house and three cars, and home-schooling.

I think that's one layer of hell, personally.

The next best relationship of which I know is my brother and sister-in-law. They are very similar. They are both very bright people, neat but not fastidiously clean, mathematical, outdoorsy in an indoorsy way, and musical. Also, they as well adore each other. But I don't know if they're as thrilled to bits with life in general as my aunt and uncle. Often, my brother reveals poorly defined dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment with life in general, indicating an emotional core only those who know him best could recognize. My sister-in-law, whom I admire in many ways, apparently saves her depth and intimacy for my brother, or at least I hope she does; she and I are yet to have a meaningful conversation about anything, and I've known her for fourteen years. I'd shudder to think that's why my brother loves her so much.

The third best relationship I can observe is that of my work friend and her husband, who are a study in contrasts. He is meticulously organized to the point of obsessive compulsive disorder. She is "organic" about such things. He is methodical, predictable, and reliable; she is none of those things, but a free spirit who moves with the winds of her momentary inclinations. They share in common a fundamental commitment to their family, devout faith, and a mutual regard for the responsibility and respect for marriage. She trusts him implicitly and totally. He takes very good care of her and lets her be herself. But she herself said to me, "I can remember the moment I decided to stay in love with him." Interesting comment.

So ultimately, I'm thinking, what I want to do is fall in love and have a dazzlingly stimulating love affair... but marriage, with the heavy lifting, may not be so tempting to me any more. But as my aunt in Dallas would say, I have to take one thing at a time. Marriage isn't in the offing right now... so why not have a date? Why not find a great guy who likes me? Why not try?

Because if he wanted in my house and in my space, I'd have to kill him.

Or at least hurt him real bad.

2009

After several months of hermit time, it occurred to me to fire up the old blog and see what's going on in my head. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I seem to be in the precise same spot where I've found myself for the last three years... single, liking the solitude, and wondering what the future holds. I'm still coasting on letting life happen to me, as opposed to making it happen. Everyone says we need to take the reins of our own lives and make "it" happen, but I've never learned what "it" is, and I'm not sure what I even want to happen, if I really do get to choose.

One change is that I'm no longer in the depths of despair emotionally. Time, meds, counseling, and my own inner strength, as well as the support of my friends, have all worked together to weather that particular storm. I think back to last summer and how depression grabbed me almost literally in its sharp-toothed jaws, and I do recognize that I've evacuated that episode. I'm still taking meds, but I've cut my dosage in half with no ill-effects, and as the number of available pills continues to diminish, I plan to wean myself off of them altogether.

I've also grown in accepting myself better. Rather than feel I'm not good enough because I'm losing my looks, gaining weight, or unable to manage my house or career the way I want to, it's easier lately to think, "My life might not be all I want it to be, but it's all mine, and I'll take it." The idea of dating and feeling judged or evaluated by someone I'm not even sure I even like yet when I'm not confident enough to bear judgement is terrifying. Something's shifted inside of me, though, and the more time I spend on myself and with people I love doing things I love, the less a date's perspective -- good or bad -- seems, at least in the abstract, to matter. I'm growing up. I even like my flaws... after all, they're mine! I just may be able to look a man in the eye and actually mean, "This is who I am, and you can take it or leave it, but get over yourself" instead of thinking I need to tailor myself to his preferences.

I have always wanted to find someone who loves the things about me that I myself love, and whom I can love for the things about himself that he loves. Isn't that in a way the definition of shared values? But the people in my life who've cared about me have always seemed to like something about me that, to me, didn't matter very much. My most recent relationship of any duration was with a man who liked that I was able to leave him alone. My ex-husband liked that I was able to create a home for his own pleasure and to take care of the details of every day life, so he didn't have to. I want someone who actually likes me, who thinks I'm funny, who appreciates my artistic interests and who respects and admires my interest in books and reading. I've never dated a reader. Isn't that odd?

So my dear friend from home asked me if it's time to find another dinner partner. I asked him where I should go to find one. Wal Mart? There are myriad dating service online, and I guess if I bothered to strike up conversations with people at the gym, at work, or even in line at the grocery store, I could broaden my horizons easily enough, but the fact is, I'm just not interested in making an effort yet. I miss the comforts of a relationship... the closeness to another person, the idea of having someone in my corner... but I don't miss the anxiety, the need to compromise, the impact of that other person's proclivities on my life and time, or the responsibilities and accountability that's inherent in a relationship. I'd like to have one, but I don't want to have to do what it takes or sacrifice my freedom to do, for the most part, exactly as I please in my personal life. I don't want to "date." I would like to find a great guy who gets me, and who fits into my life like a well-designed piece of art, without requiring a total redecoration of who I am, what I do, how I do it, and why any of it matters.

Is that possible?