Is that all there is?

Too funny. I'm sitting here reading about Kate Walsh's divorce and thinking, "Even she believes nobody gets married to get divorced. But why do people get married?" Then I remember my ex telling me that our marriage wasn't what he expected or wanted, or something like that, and asking him, "What did you expect?" Did he expect some kind of fairy tale that would last forever? Do fairy tales last forever? Do people fall in love and get married, then have a horrifying realization when the "in love" feeling doesn't permeate their every waking moment, but bills, obligations, failures, children, and responsibilities do?

And here I thought marriage was supposed to be a refuge from bitter realities. What happens when the marriage itself is a bitter reality?

When I look at successful relationships that surround me, what I see is commitment. Period. These people want to stay together, so they do what it takes to stay together. Often, it's not fun. Often, it's work... and not the desk-work of most of my middle class friends. It's back-breaking, bone-chilling, frustrating, primal-screaming work, when it comes time to work. I can say, with some authority, that work is Not Fun. Ultimately, the people who don't stay together don't want to stay together, or at least one of them doesn't, and whoever says no wins.

I certainly don't see flower petals tossed into the wind anywhere. I don't hear singing angels. I don't have to swat at a Cupid flying around. Not even in the best relationships.

The best relationship around which I get to dwell periodically is my aunt and uncle's relationship, the couple who live in Dallas. They're pretty heartsy and flowery, but they're definitely not perfect. He wishes she were fitter. She wishes he were more of a go-getter. He wishes she were inherently tidier. She wishes he were less of a dog person. They adore each other -- in between tending their five children, working three jobs between the two of them, managing a house and three cars, and home-schooling.

I think that's one layer of hell, personally.

The next best relationship of which I know is my brother and sister-in-law. They are very similar. They are both very bright people, neat but not fastidiously clean, mathematical, outdoorsy in an indoorsy way, and musical. Also, they as well adore each other. But I don't know if they're as thrilled to bits with life in general as my aunt and uncle. Often, my brother reveals poorly defined dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment with life in general, indicating an emotional core only those who know him best could recognize. My sister-in-law, whom I admire in many ways, apparently saves her depth and intimacy for my brother, or at least I hope she does; she and I are yet to have a meaningful conversation about anything, and I've known her for fourteen years. I'd shudder to think that's why my brother loves her so much.

The third best relationship I can observe is that of my work friend and her husband, who are a study in contrasts. He is meticulously organized to the point of obsessive compulsive disorder. She is "organic" about such things. He is methodical, predictable, and reliable; she is none of those things, but a free spirit who moves with the winds of her momentary inclinations. They share in common a fundamental commitment to their family, devout faith, and a mutual regard for the responsibility and respect for marriage. She trusts him implicitly and totally. He takes very good care of her and lets her be herself. But she herself said to me, "I can remember the moment I decided to stay in love with him." Interesting comment.

So ultimately, I'm thinking, what I want to do is fall in love and have a dazzlingly stimulating love affair... but marriage, with the heavy lifting, may not be so tempting to me any more. But as my aunt in Dallas would say, I have to take one thing at a time. Marriage isn't in the offing right now... so why not have a date? Why not find a great guy who likes me? Why not try?

Because if he wanted in my house and in my space, I'd have to kill him.

Or at least hurt him real bad.