2009

After several months of hermit time, it occurred to me to fire up the old blog and see what's going on in my head. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I seem to be in the precise same spot where I've found myself for the last three years... single, liking the solitude, and wondering what the future holds. I'm still coasting on letting life happen to me, as opposed to making it happen. Everyone says we need to take the reins of our own lives and make "it" happen, but I've never learned what "it" is, and I'm not sure what I even want to happen, if I really do get to choose.

One change is that I'm no longer in the depths of despair emotionally. Time, meds, counseling, and my own inner strength, as well as the support of my friends, have all worked together to weather that particular storm. I think back to last summer and how depression grabbed me almost literally in its sharp-toothed jaws, and I do recognize that I've evacuated that episode. I'm still taking meds, but I've cut my dosage in half with no ill-effects, and as the number of available pills continues to diminish, I plan to wean myself off of them altogether.

I've also grown in accepting myself better. Rather than feel I'm not good enough because I'm losing my looks, gaining weight, or unable to manage my house or career the way I want to, it's easier lately to think, "My life might not be all I want it to be, but it's all mine, and I'll take it." The idea of dating and feeling judged or evaluated by someone I'm not even sure I even like yet when I'm not confident enough to bear judgement is terrifying. Something's shifted inside of me, though, and the more time I spend on myself and with people I love doing things I love, the less a date's perspective -- good or bad -- seems, at least in the abstract, to matter. I'm growing up. I even like my flaws... after all, they're mine! I just may be able to look a man in the eye and actually mean, "This is who I am, and you can take it or leave it, but get over yourself" instead of thinking I need to tailor myself to his preferences.

I have always wanted to find someone who loves the things about me that I myself love, and whom I can love for the things about himself that he loves. Isn't that in a way the definition of shared values? But the people in my life who've cared about me have always seemed to like something about me that, to me, didn't matter very much. My most recent relationship of any duration was with a man who liked that I was able to leave him alone. My ex-husband liked that I was able to create a home for his own pleasure and to take care of the details of every day life, so he didn't have to. I want someone who actually likes me, who thinks I'm funny, who appreciates my artistic interests and who respects and admires my interest in books and reading. I've never dated a reader. Isn't that odd?

So my dear friend from home asked me if it's time to find another dinner partner. I asked him where I should go to find one. Wal Mart? There are myriad dating service online, and I guess if I bothered to strike up conversations with people at the gym, at work, or even in line at the grocery store, I could broaden my horizons easily enough, but the fact is, I'm just not interested in making an effort yet. I miss the comforts of a relationship... the closeness to another person, the idea of having someone in my corner... but I don't miss the anxiety, the need to compromise, the impact of that other person's proclivities on my life and time, or the responsibilities and accountability that's inherent in a relationship. I'd like to have one, but I don't want to have to do what it takes or sacrifice my freedom to do, for the most part, exactly as I please in my personal life. I don't want to "date." I would like to find a great guy who gets me, and who fits into my life like a well-designed piece of art, without requiring a total redecoration of who I am, what I do, how I do it, and why any of it matters.

Is that possible?